


Always and Forever

by higayimdad



Series: TXT oneshots [6]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt, I'm Sorry, Insert that scene of Taehyun finding Yeonjun, Inspired by Eternally, M/M, On Yeonjun's part, One sided Choi Yeonjun/Kang Taehyun, One-Sided Attraction, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Love, it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26842909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/higayimdad/pseuds/higayimdad
Summary: Yeonjun held out a pinkie for Taehyun to link with. Waited for the promise."Love you." One said."Love you too." The other assured.Always and forever.It's unfortunate when one loved the other too much.
Relationships: Choi Yeonjun/Kang Taehyun, Huening Kai/Kang Taehyun
Series: TXT oneshots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1684213
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	Always and Forever

**Author's Note:**

> author projects sad feeling into fic part ??

_Hanahaki Disease is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love._

_It ends when the beloved returns their feelings, or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear._

A disease utmost tragic. 

It was not unheard of, countless stories and rumours and whatnot circulated the “love disease”. The most famous ones made into heartbreaking hollywood movies or written into bittersweet romantic novels. Yet, it didn’t matter how romanticized it had been. It was a disease that was extremely gruesome. Despite this, even if the disease itself was famous, it was in truth very uncommon. 

If you even knew one person in your life who had it, it was a peculiar case. Not everyone who experienced unrequited love would catch it, they just walked away with a slight heart ache. Most who caught it, decided in the end that surgical removal was the way to go, even if it always left the victim with some sort of incurable numbness. Not from the lack of love, just lack of _that_ sort of love. Indescribable to those who couldn’t feel it themself. Still, more often than not, that was chosen over the painful first coughs, and then the chronic feeling of short of breath. The pain. Death. 

Yeonjun grew up terrified of it, from the first time he heard about it. 

It didn’t matter how much his parents explained to him that it was as rare as hens teeth. That he could very much live a full life without even meeting someone with the disease. Still, he laid in bed at night and had nightmares about suffocating. Waking up in cold sweat and panting for crisp air. Most people are afraid of heights, the dark, ghosts, snakes, spiders; the list is long; but Yeonjun was afraid of love. Even the love from his parents, and the love his friends had for him, even if it was just the one from the other 10-year olds in his class. 

And it probably didn’t stop for a few years, until he was 14 or 15, and he finally realized. That the fear he had grown up with faded, hell, if he had made it 15 years without even hearing one person dying, what was the point of being afraid? Despite this, he was a cynical teenager going through a rebellious phase. 

“I’ll never love anyone like that anyways.” Yeonjun humphed, while applying the bleach to the ends of his hair. And his friend, who rested on the floor next to him let out a scoff. 

“You don’t think you will ever fall in love?” The boy had straight black hair, with large brown eyes peeking out from underneath the strands. 

“No. Love is for losers. Now put on the timer, I don’t wanna fry my hair off.” 

“Do you mean _fry it off even more_?” The friend asked. 

“Shut up.” Yeonjun laughed.

The two sat on the floor together for the entire 30 minutes Yeonjun’s bleach was supposed to sit, the strong smell making the already small bathroom even more unbearable to be in. After a while in boredom, Yeonjun began listing all the ingredients in the light blue dye in his hands. And his friend, commenting after just about each one that _“probably not good for your hair.”_

And when the 30 minutes were up, Yeonjun stood hunched over the bathtub, rinsing his hair. His friends' slender fingers massaging his hair at the same time. Then when he stood up in front of the mirror again, he handed a plastic glove to the one behind him. 

“Now, Taehyun. Help me with my hair in the back.” 

“If I get stained I’ll blame you.” Taehyun muttered back to him.

Later at night they bid their farewells, separated by only a few houses. Yeonjun’s parents would scold him for dying his hair without their permission, but he’d feel content with himself. Maybe because it _was_ feeding into his rebellious side. 

Still, a question gnawed at his mind. The one Taehyun had asked, from the bathroom floor, with a snarky smile. Even if the question itself was serious he had joked it off. 

_“You don’t think you will ever fall in love?”_

Yeonjun was sure he would never. He had convinced himself it wasn’t because he was afraid of it. But rather because he wanted to live a life without getting hurt, he could love people without having to fall in love. For example, he loved his parents a lot, and he loved his friends a lot. Maybe Taehyun didn’t even ask for real when he did, but, hours later Yeonjun laid awake and thought about it. He fell asleep, eyebrows knitted together, still in the process of convincing himself that he would never _ever_ fall in love. 

Of course not, he was 15, mad at life, didn’t believe in anything that sounded like a fairytale. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

The boy grew up, as one does. He grew out of the rebellious phase that had forced him to hate everything and everyone. And he too fell in love- That’s what you do, that’s how life works. He stopped being afraid, laughed along with Taehyun at how stupid he was a child. The laughing was always just a bit too strained. 

However, just as much as you fall in love, you are bound to either break hearts, or get your heart broken. And when Yeonjun was no longer in love, it was his turn. That’s how life works. He felt slightly guilty when Taehyun asked him, on his way after school if he was sad, or needed comforting. Though he answered his friends that “could we maybe go buy ice cream?” he really didn’t need it. Though it obviously stung a bit, he pondered on the way to the ice cream shop if he wouldn’t feel more hurt if he just fell off his bike and scratched his knees. 

At least this time, Yeonjun had been lucky to be the one breaking hearts. If anything he felt more guilty than hurt. 

Yeonjun wasn’t even interested in the ice cream, he just said that because he wanted Taehyun to feel at ease, to think Yeonjun was eating his feelings away as one was supposed to do when you suddenly broke it off with someone. He sighed, the three different kinds of ice creams looked quite disgusting, in the half melted half not soup he had created. He pushed the bowl away from his face. Taehyun looked up from his own and glanced between Yeonjun and the bowl. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” Yeonjun sighed, it was deep and solemn. But not as heartbroken as Taehyun would have thought. “I’m, alright. I just feel a bit lonely.” Yeonjun confessed.

“Don’t. You have me, right? Always and forever?” 

Taehyun smiled wide, flashing sharp and straight teeth. It was on brand for Taehyun. His smile. Often his mouth hung open, whenever he was deep in thought or surprised. And when it wasn’t he bore a smile so big it reached his eyes. Sometimes the teeth were exposed, Yeonjun was always slightly jealous of the sharp canines. 

The younger propped his elbow up on the table, his pinky held out in the air. Waiting for Yeonjun to grab it. 

“Always and forever.” Yeonjun linked his pinky with Taehyun. It was them together, forever against the world. 

Silence ensued, it was far from uncomfortable, yet Yeonjun had the urge to break it. 

“Do you think you will ever love someone?” Yeonjun asked, question so out of nowhere Taehyun only blinked a few times in confusion behind his phone. He looked up at Yeonjun, light brown eyes looking past Yeonjun’s, they buried themselves deep within his heart. 

“I love a lot of people.” He answered, and Yeonjun knew what he meant. _He loved his parents, his friends, Taehyun loved Yeonjun._ He already knew all of that. 

“I mean, do you think you will ever love someone so much you will die without them?”

“Yes I think I will.”

“Are you not afraid?” 

Taehyun sighed, like he had a hard time making sense of his thoughts. He rested his head in his hands and looked out of the window of the ice cream shop. Observed the few birds chirping in the trees, the children playing around a fountain in the distance. He wasn’t afraid of love, but he knew Yeonjun asked because he was afraid. Wanted someone to understand how deeply afraid he was of love, even if he said he wasn’t. He began talking, not once moving his eyes from the scenery outside the window. 

“Love is inevitable Yeonjun. There will never be a moment in your life where you either don’t love anyone, or where someone doesn’t love you. Even the worst bastards have someone, even the loneliest, even the most unlovable. There is always someone. The love will _always_ be different depending on who it is. Painful, maybe the opposite. It’s not simple.”

“I think, one day, I’ll love someone so much I wanna spend every second with them. So much my own life won’t be completely whole without them. So much I’ll die without them.” 

_Aren’t you afraid._ “It isn’t something I’m afraid of, I want to know what it feels like. Perhaps it’s selfish but I want someone to love me so much it will feel like they will die without me.”

Yeonjun nodded, he had nothing to say. How could he say a word that even carried an ounce of the same strength as the other. While Taehyun explicitly told him he _wanted_ that, Yeonjun couldn’t think of something more terrifying. That sort of love, well it was just a better explained feeling of something Yeonjun had been afraid of since he knew what love was. 

When Yeonjun was 15 he spent his nights up late listening to angry music, he was dying his hair in colors he knew his parents would hate the most. He cursed love, and promised himself he would never love. He was afraid of love, even if he blamed that he just hated it. 

Taehyun was 16. Yeonjun was convinced he must have been one of few people who understood what love was, what it truly was. The two were very different, more than one could imagine. Maybe that's why they fit so well together. Yeonjun was afraid of love, Taehyun knew that even scary things could be beautiful. 

That’s why it would always be the two of them against the world. Always and forever. It had always been like that. 

Always and forever. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

“What’s up with you?” Yeonjun laughed, pushing Taehyun out of his way. He was leaning into Yeonjun, doe like eyes, looking at him. 

“Ahh, I’m so happy.” He beamed, waiting for the older to ask. 

“Mhm, elaborate.” 

“I met this guy in one of my electives. He’s the sun personified. Youthful, hilarious, _so pretty._ ” Taehyun admitted, and covered his mouth to hide his giggles. 

He may have grown older, but he was acting like it was his first time ever falling in love. Perhaps it was. 

Taehyun continued, gushing on and on about him. About how they had started spending time together outside of classes, occasional lunch dates and late night snacks. Though Yeonjun grew uncomfortable, he couldn’t let it show. He knew he was only jealous, but he couldn’t let that get in the way of Taehyun. 

“Is that why you are ignoring me huh?” Yeonjun had to joke, pretend he was fine, pretend he was making fun of Taehyun. 

The younger sat up, back straight and expression suddenly serious. For a second Yeonjun thought he had said something completely different. 

“Never, you won’t get away from me that easy. It’s you and me. Always and forever.” 

Like they always did, Taehyun held out his pinky, adamant to not let it down without Yeonjun linking with it. A promise dear to them. Yeonjun gulped when the conversation moved on, suddenly nervous. 

The feelings inside him, he couldn’t place them. Yet he knew exactly what it was. 

Fear.

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

He found the first petal in his bed. Awoken by the bright sun. It was dainty and damaged, a single lonely purple petal. 

Yeonjun didn’t even connect the dots then. His mind immediately wandered to the night before, wondering if he had stolen flowers in the wee hours of dawn. Intoxicated and out of his mind. It was the first time he met Hueningkai. Equally as cheerful as Taehyun had described him as. If not more. The token younger brother type. Not like Taehyun, Taehyun was as old as time itself mentally. Hueningkai still had that charm of youth around him, despite both him and Taehyun just turning 20.

He was wonderful, to say the least. It was even an understatement. Yeonjun understood why Taehyun looked at him like he was the stars splattered across the galaxy or the sun high in the sky. A flower so special one would still find it in a field of identical ones. 

But it was sour, the jealousy, the longing for something like that. 

Yeonjun had _been_ in love before, he had broken hearts, even had his heart broken. Still, he hadn’t been in love like this. At least not when it too, was reciprocated. 

Maybe Taehyun looked at Hueningkai like he was the only one in the world, but Hueningkai looked back at him like he had found someone so dear to him, he never _needed_ anyone else in the world. Like Taehyun was the only one for him, the one with a red string around his finger leading all the way to his own. 

It hurt, truly. Yeonjun couldn’t even explain why. He needed to know. For every drink Taehyun and Hueningkai had, Yeonjun was on his third. At some point in the night, Taehyun looked at him with pity. 

“Should I call a cab?” he whispered.

“Yes please.” 

Taehyun nodded, and walked back to Hueningkai. Though he spoke softly and quiet, Yeonjun heard him very well.

_“I’ll be back soon. Okay?”_

_“Promise?” Hueningkai laughed. But the question was serious._

_“Promise.” Taehyun said, he held out his finger and Hueningkai linked it. It was much like he and Yeonjun had. But this time, Taehyun ended it by pressing their thumbs together, he even placed a kiss on Hueningkai’s knuckle._

Maybe he didn’t want Hueningkai to hear. Did Yeonjun mess up? Did he embarrass himself? Was he wrong to come here tonight? He just wanted to _meet_ the person Taehyun had fallen so in love with, he didn’t expect to get home with tears behind his eyelids and his throat aching and heart beating so fast it was about to fly through his chest. 

How could he not understand what a painful and sad first sign the purple petal in his bed was.

Yeonjun wished he would have had Taehyun by his side to promise him it was them. Only them. Against the world. Always and forever. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

The Hanahaki disease, tragic and painful. Something most people feared to catch, yet still craved to read about. It was _so_ beautifully gruesome. A disease so rare, most people didn’t have to think twice about it. 

Yeonjun had feared it his whole life. Or rather feared the love, because if you couldn’t love - you wouldn’t get infected. It was easy. Even when Yeonjun promised he wasn’t afraid anymore, he lied, right through his teeth. He knew as the years passed that even if he loved people, loved his friends and loved his parents. He would _always_ fear what was possible to happen.

He wanted to laugh out loud, for feeling so utterly ridiculous. Yeonjun wanted to curse at himself, yet at the universe for being so god awful ironic. 

The petals filling the toilet bowl, the trail of them from his bed to the bathroom. The pain in his heart, stopping him from laughing at the awful situation. The beads of sweat rolling down his forehead as he was panting for air in between retching. 

“It’s brutal.” Yeonjun breathed out. Talking to no one in particular, the universe, himself, maybe he’d say it to Taehyun if he was here. It really was. 

The disease had hit him faster than he expected it too. Days had passed after the first petal showed up and Yeonjun realized something wasn’t quite right. He had scrolled past a picture Hueningkai had posted, it was of him and Taehyun. So close their cheeks were firmly pressed together and both of their faces flushed red. He hadn’t captioned it with words, but rather with a heart and a lock next to it. Yeonjun felt his throat grow irritated, and a few minutes later he sure enough coughed up flowers that looked much like it matched the petal he found in his bed. 

Taehyun called him the day after, Yeonjun could hear his happiness loud and clear through the speakers. 

“So are you gonna tell me yourself or do I have to ask?” Yeonjun finally said, after Taehyun sneaked around the topic of Hueningkai. 

“Ask what?” He giggled, it was obvious he _wanted_ him to ask. 

Yeonjun sighed. “I saw it yesterday, did you and Hueningkai, like...make it official?” 

“Yes! He asked me!” Taehyun screamed, so loud Yeonjun had to hold his phone at a distance. 

Of course Yeonjun felt happy for Taehyun, but it was hard being genuine about it when he coughed up flowers in his hand as soon as the younger even uttered the word _“boyfriend”,_ petals lined with blood, it wasn’t the scarlet one would expect. It was mixed together with the vibrant lilac flowers, it seemed the blood hand turned deep violet. 

“Are you alright?” Taehyun interrupted himself and asked. 

“Yes, uh might be the flu or something.” 

“Do you want me to come over?” 

“No- um I’m sure I’ll get better sooner than later.” A lie that felt so wrong when he said it out loud. 

Taehyun didn’t entirely believe it. Yeonjun was but a mere see through plastic sheet for him, after being friends so long he could practically hear whatever lie Yeonjun dared to say around him. Still, he understood that Yeonjun likely didn’t want to talk about it. 

Before they ended the phone call, Yeonjun felt sheepish for having to ask. 

“Hey...I know you and Huening- _cough_ -kai is together and all. But you’ll never leave me right?” 

“I could never. You and me, always and forever?”

“Always and forever.” Yeonjun whispered out. None of them said goodbye, instead the line fell silent, and was soon followed up by multiple loud beeps. 

Yeonjun had to hurry to his bathroom, he couldn’t let his apartment be stained by the disgusting and horrific flowers. He hated them, so much. So he retched down the bowl, stained it purple, let the bathroom be filled by a stench so sweet he could smell the flowers even after he closed the door to it behind him. Yeonjun’s throat felt ripped open, but he wasn’t sure if it were the vines growing around his heart or the knife like flower petals. 

_“Fuck.”_ He laughed out, tears lining the words. _“How could I let this happen?”_

Why did Yeonjun let himself fall so deeply in love with Taehyun, when he knew the younger could never love him the same. It was _cruel_ of himself. _Cruel_ of fate to let it happen. Taehyun had a dainty and bright red string tied around his ring finger, Yeonjun could see it, wished it led to his own. But it didn’t, it was evidently tied tight around another, a tall handsome boy Taehyun had met in one of his electives. 

Taehyun’s first true love, it was perhaps even possible it would be the one and only person Taehyun would be in love with. Yeonjun could see it, because the younger was just as see through as Yeonjun was. 

Love was inevitable. Truly. 

It was obvious Taehyun had found someone he wanted to spend every living second with, someone he could die for, would die without. Someone that wanted the same. Yeonjun _was_ happy, because Taehyun at least found Hueningkai, who loved him so much. But it hurt so much that Yeonjun wasn’t the one who got to spend every day and night with Taehyun. 

He realized it now, probably knew it far sooner, he was downright jealous of the love Taehyun felt for Hueningkai. 

Many people either sucked it up and faced their fears, whether it was jumping from the biggest trampoline at the pool or speaking in front of other people. Some never did, maybe clowns were just so terrifying one couldn’t, you couldn’t always win. It was okay. 

Still Yeonjun felt ashamed, not only would he never _get over_ his fear of love, that was impossible, but he would let it eat him up. Kill him. 

As painful as it was, it was the only end he could imagine. Nothing would be worse than having to let go of the deep love he felt for his younger friend, his best friend, the puzzle piece that fit so nice against him. He couldn't. Yeonjun knew the disease would take over him before he could even confess it to him. 

Yeonjun coughed up another flower, and wondered how long he had left. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

“I’m dying.” Yeonjun said flat out. His mother dropped the cup in her hand, it smashed into smithereens against the tile floor. His father let out a gasp from across the room. They had both noticed something was wrong, Yeonjun seemed tired, his voice was hoarse and he always carried around a napkin he occasionally coughed into. He came home visiting from nowhere, neither around a holiday nor a special occasion. When he said it, sitting by their kitchen table, both knew it wasn’t some sort of ruthless prank. 

“Wha-” His mother asked, not able to form the words properly. Sentence cutting short. 

Yeonjun coughed again, more than used to it by now. Before speaking again, he pulled a bloody petal out of his mouth. Laid it carefully on the napkin. 

“You told me- I could live my whole life without ever meeting anyone with it,” He sniffed, “but someone _has_ to be the one. I’ll be the one people said had it. Hah, it’s so- _tragic_ ” Tears filling his eyes to the brim. 

“Honey.” His mother hushed, but her eyes were already spilling with tears, even more than her son. Yeonjun’s father stood frozen in his spot, eyes deathly blank, mouth hanging open. 

They hugged him tight, tried to convince him to get help. Wanted to keep him near, in their arms. But he couldn’t. Said he had business left in the city. 

“You know, I’ve always been afraid of it mom. Love. But I could never be scared of loving you two. Never.” He cried, they cried. Held him so tight he felt short of breath. But he couldn’t get enough of it, for weeks the flowers growing inside him were suffocating him, so when the feeling was finally replaced by his parents hugging him. He wanted nothing but it. The love. 

“I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry dad.” He said, leaving through the door late at night, while they were asleep, he couldn’t bear seeing them cry again, him only stopping right now. 

“I love you.” Yeonjun hurried to mutter it under his breath, before the flowers suffocated him again, forcing themselves up his throat. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

While the disease progressed, Yeonjun slowly but surely left his apartment less frequently. At some point he stopped going out at all. 

He found himself feeling _nearly_ fine one day, and decided he had to meet with Taehyun. He hadn’t seen the face up close for so long he couldn’t even imagine the facial features properly, but he missed the smile, the giant eyes. The snarky comments and the ruthless humor.

They met in the ice cream shop where they had spent most of their high school afternoons. It had been remodeled since Yeonjun was here since, and looked much different from what it did then. The previous bright yellow walls were now a muted blue. The giant vintage posters had been replaced by framed minimalist paintings. It wasn’t ugly per se, but it was different from what it had been, and Yeonjun wasn’t a fan of it. 

Yeonjun could see the younger look at him with worry, pitiful and solemn. It hurt. He wanted to see him smile, feel the laughter through the air. Maybe it was hard when the dark circles grew deeper and the face slimmer. The occasional suppressed coughs he wanted no one to know about. He reeked of disease, and he knew Taehyun couldn’t ignore it. 

He let Taehyun blabber about school, it felt nice. Hearing the younger talk, voice smooth and melodic. The ice cream was sweet on his tongue and Taehyun’s face was a sight to behold in front of him. Perhaps the younger felt bad for him, or wanted to ask so badly, but it felt _nice_ ignoring what was killing Yeonjun. If just for a day. 

“I missed you.” Yeonjun confessed, entirely truthful. 

“Then call me more often! I love hanging out with you!” Taehyun scolded and laughed, Yeonjun loved it. 

“I will.” It was hard to keep the smile genuine, he wanted to, but there wasn’t much time anyways, he couldn’t promise. 

“Good, there is this new movie coming next month I wanna see, but Hueningkai refuses. He hates scary movies.” 

“I’ll go with you if I can.” Yeonjun mumbled. Despite only being out for a while, he felt exhaustion grow. 

“Good.” 

They sat there for a long while longer, Yeonjun had already excused himself to the bathroom twice, once to cough in peace, the other to fill the bowl with full flowers. He was horrified when he saw droplets of purple blood stained on the sleeve of his shirt. 

The two had to say goodbye, the time had come to do so. The sun had set since long, and the air was cool. Yeonjun could feel weakness deep in his bones. For a while they stood in silence outside, until Taehyun saw someone tall and lanky near in the distance. It was Hueningkai, perhaps there to walk Taehyun home. 

“Here,” Taehyun said, and pushed a bag he had hidden into Yeonjun’s hands. He couldn’t quite see what it all was, but there were at least _one_ medicine packet. 

“I know you haven’t been quite well lately, even if you refuse to say it.” The younger mumbled, nonchalant. Like he didn’t care. 

When Hueningkai was almost by them, Taehyun took one step closer to him. Yeonjun took a hold of his wrist, dragged him into a hug. Held his hand firmly over Taehyun’s hair, and the other around his waist. Yeonjun couldn’t bear it. 

“I love you. Always and forever.” 

He separated them, and held out his pinky, eyes starting to grow glossy. Taehyun linked them, nodded. Perhaps he mumbled out an _“always and forever.”,_ perhaps he didn’t. Yeonjun never caught it, he turned around and left as soon as Hueningkai had gotten to them. 

Yeonjun glanced back after a handful of steps, saw Hueningkai and Taehyun sharing a deep kiss. It stabbed at his heart. Realizing he would never experience that. 

“I love you. Always and forever.” Yeonjun mumbled to himself, clenching the clear bag in his hand. Taehyun loved him too, the bag was proof enough of that. 

But he could never love Yeonjun like Yeonjun loved Taehyun. 

He would never love Yeonjun so, so much, he would die without him. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

Yeonjun loved Taehyun so, so much, it turned out he would die without him.

After Yeonjun had seen Taehyun for the last time, it didn’t take very long. He felt the disease grow more and more with every passing minute, as if the flowers were thriving in his agony. He could barely sleep any more, only grasping his chest in pain and waking up every few hours short of breath. Barely air getting through the thick vines. He coughed, and blood splattered across his light colors sheets. Though Yeonjun looked at it horrified, he could do nothing about it. 

He felt it, right in his bones, as the moment came upon him. He had dragged his body weak and tired to his desk and sat down there. Yeonjun couldn’t bear calling Taehyun to explain it all as it was happening, he knew there was no stopping it. 

The pen felt shaky in his hands, he wasn’t sure if it was because of the fear, he was still so afraid. Or if it were because of the silent tears rolling down his cheeks like giant pearls, landing on the paper leaving dark marks. His breaths felt raspy, barely making their way out of his nose at all. 

Yeonjun saw a droplet of deep violet blood drip down on the desk, felt his nose and stained his fingers purple. He could feel another cough coming, lined with pain. He dry heaved, coughed, grabbed the desk in an attempt to ground himself. His knuckles turned white, the floor next to him turned into a flower field. Gorgeous pansies, some deep and dark, some light and pastel, but all were purple. In a few places he spotted small yellow specks, standing out alongside the purple. Yeonjun wondered why it was them. 

Thoughts running back so many years, Yeonjun had a hard time grasping the memories. At last he did, it was quite childish. Nothing much to it at all. Taehyun had picked every flower he could find when Yeonjun was walking home with him from school once, every color and size, it didn’t matter if they were as ugly as dandelions, or if he managed to steal one that leaned towards the street from someone's yard. 

When they arrived outside Taehyun’s home, Yeonjun looked down at the small dainty hands and the giant bouquet in them. 

_“What? Do you want one?”_ He had asked, Yeonjun looked him up and down, answered,

_“No.”_

_“Yes you do. Here,”_ Taehyun pushed a flower into his hands without hesitation. _“It’s my favorite color, but it’s okay if it’s for you.”_ Then he happily skipped into his house before he let Yeonjun answer. 

A small pansy, violet and yellow, quite pretty. Much like Taehyun. 

One last time, Yeonjun whispered, it was all he could do at this point. 

_“Always and forever.”_ A promise now broken. 

Yeonjun’s hands fell limp next to his body. Small drops of blood dripped from his fingers, slow, agonizing. The letter in front of him was nearly untouched, there was just one purple fingerprint right where Yeonjun had closed it. 

Flower petals spread around him, the white t-shirt stained, a stem growing from his lungs, up his throat, passing his mouth and growing around his neck. Small leaves and flower buds growing. 

Brown eyes stared blank at nothing, losing its color. 

Heart already broken, now stopping completely. 

One last breath, raspy and shaky, nothing else. 

Yeonjun loved Taehyun so, so much, he died without him.

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

It didn’t feel right. Taehyun knew there was something wrong with Yeonjun. Wished he would have just asked when he had a chance. But 3 days had passed since he saw Yeonjun for the last time, and it didn’t feel right. Even if they didn’t talk frequently every single day, Taehyun would see him active on socials, interacting and posting. 

Radio silence for two days. Something was not _right._

“I’m worried.” Taehyun mumbled. He realized he had started biting his nails again, probably the first time in years. Hueningkai bumped into his shoulder, trying to be cheerful. 

“Call him then.” 

“I did, he’s not answering.¨” Taehyun thought for a few seconds. “I need to go there, he’s not well. I know it.” 

Hueningkai realized that Taehyun was actually far more worried than what he left off, it was concerning, Hueningkai hadn’t seen him like this many times. While he hadn’t quite understood how the relationship between his boyfriend and Yeonkun was like, it was obviously very important. And Hueningkai had become friends with Yeonjun too, he was worried too. 

“Then we should go.” 

Taehyun nodded, complied, happy that Hueningkai offered to do so. He wasn’t sure if he would have made it there without him. 

His hands were clammy when Hueningkai grabbed one of them, shot him a determined and supportive expression as they got off the bus a few minutes away from Yeonjun’s apartment. They were both prompt in their steps, but Taehyun was nervous. Like he had never been before. 

Something was so obviously wrong with Yeonjun, and he couldn’t figure out why his friend wouldn’t talk about his problems. His face grew paler and paler every time they saw each other, and it seemed he had lost weight. It was countless weeks ago Yeonjun said he might have caught the flu, it couldn’t be that could it? 

Why would Yeonjun not tell Taehyun that he was suffering, when it was so obvious he was. It had always been the two of them against the world. Taehyun tightened his hold around Hueningkai’s hand. His heart was beating so fast he had a hard time breathing. 

Both entered the apartment building, the elevator ride was awfully silent, and Taehyun couldn’t drag his mind away from the small mailbox that belonged to Yeonjun in the entrance, he saw that the corner of a letter and a flyer was sticking out of it. Like it hadn’t been emptied for days. 

“Hey could- could you maybe stay out here, I’m just gonna run in and check if he’s alright. If not- _um_ \- I don’t know. Just stay here for a second.” Taehyun said, looked up at the hazel eyes, they were understanding. 

Hueningkai brushed Taehyun’s hair out of his face, eyes crinkling in a faint smile. 

“Of course.” 

Taehyun nodded mindlessly, pulled out the spare key Yeonjun had given him a long time ago. The door clicked open and Taehyun entered. The apartment was much familiar to him. he instinctively chucked his shoes off and stepped into the slippers Yeonjun had given him a long time ago. 

It smelled weird. Strongly of _perfume?_ Something sweet, an aroma Taehyun couldn’t quite place. 

He saw the first flower petal just a few steps into the apartment, it was odd. He couldn’t see any bouquets anywhere, despite Yeonjun was never a fan of plants and flowers. _“They just die, I never remember to water them.”_

One after another he saw them, flowers, some lying in tiny puddles of purple _blood?_ Some dry and withered. They were everywhere. 

The stench of flowers became stronger, almost so much Taehyun had to pinch his nose. 

He knocked on the door to Yeonjun’s bedroom, it was closed. But since the shoes were in the hall and the lights were on, he knew Yeonjun must have been home. There was nowhere else he could be. 

“Yeonjun?” Taehyun knocked on the door. Waiting for an answer to no avail. 

Silence. 

“Are you in there?”

Silence. 

“I’m coming in, you better not be naked.” Taehyun tried to laugh, but his hands were sweaty and shaky. 

Silence. 

Yeonjun’s body. Limp and sick, covered in purple flowers. Surrounded by an aura of the sweet scent of what Taehyun noticed were pansies. He should have known, he knew it now. The scent was unforgettable. 

“Yeonjun…” He said, no longer as a question. 

Taehyun was afraid to see his face. He knew it wouldn’t be the old and smiley one, the one when it reached high on his face. It wouldn’t be the crescent moon eyes, hiding the deep and dark brown irises. 

He took a few steps forward, noticed that the stem of _whatever_ growing around his neck had teared his skin, causing it to bleed crimson blood, mixing with the purple of the flowers. 

“Yeonjun!” Taehyun shouted, waiting for a response. He grabbed a hold of the older one's shoulder, felt the body cold and stiff. 

The chair started turning a little bit, enough so that Taehyun could face half of him. 

Eyes closed in peace, eternal rest. Mouth in a slight frown, just the tiniest bit open, to let the growing stem out of it. Face paler than it had ever been before. Purple pansies spread in his knees and on the floor by his bare feet, a streak of violet running from his nose. 

Taehyun took a few steps back. Retreated towards the door. It couldn’t be real. A cruel prank maybe, a fake game show, hidden camera. It had to be something. Taehyun felt sweat running down his back, fingers shaking around the door handle to Yeonjun’s room. 

He could bear looking at him anymore, it. The horrible and ugly flowers. The now dry blood. The look of death on Yeonjun. 

He stumbled out of the room, had to hold his hand over his heart to stop it from beating through his chest. Taehyun had to give everything he had in him to not let out a sob. In the hall he tripped over all the shoes, not giving himself a second to put on his pair.

Hueningkai caught him in his arms right outside the door. Taehyun knew he was asking what was going on. What had happened. If Yeonjun was okay. But he couldn’t speak, not even a word. He fell to the floor, grasped a hold of Hueningkai, tried to not fall off the face of earth. 

“Yeonjun…” He whispered out, but couldn’t utter another word. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

Taehyun was still sobbing quietly in the waiting room at the police station, they had asked both him and Hueningkai a few questions. Though Taehyun hadn’t gotten through his without hiccups and endless tissues. 

Hueningkai held his high tight, and hadn't let it go for more than a short while since he stumbled into his arms. Both were exhausted, but Taehyun looked so ill Hueningkai was afraid he’d lose him too. 

Occasionally he hushed his boyfriend, patted the straight hair. Placed kisses to his temple. Assured he was there, that he would never leave him. Taehyun grabbed a strong hold of his arm, thanked him endlessly, all while Hueningkai promised it was alright, that he shouldn’t thank him. 

“Kang Taehyun?” A police officer cleared his throat, he obviously pitied him. Couldn’t help but stare at the puffy red eyes. 

Taehyun nodded. The officer handed him a letter. It was glued shut, all there was on it was Yeonjun’s messy and shaky handwriting, and a dried purple fingerprint. The officer said they found it on Yeonjun’s desk, said it was addressed to him. They hadn’t opened it. Taehyun took it, stared at it like he couldn’t decipher what it was, wouldn’t dare opening it here, in front of everyone. He thanked the officer sheepishly, and stuffed the letter so far he could in his jacket pocket. Afraid to bend it too much. 

Maybe an hour or two passed before the two went home. It was evening. Skies dark grey and melancholy. Grieving. Taehyun couldn’t even see the moon, though he wasn’t even sure where to look even if the sky was clear. He had lost his sense of direction, if it weren’t for Hueningkai following him home, he didn’t even know where he would end up. 

Hueningkai tried to usher him to bed. Whispering that he needed to rest. Stroked his hair and hugged him tight under the covers. Shushed him when tears started rolling off Taehyun’s cheeks. 

It was obvious Hueningkai was exhausted too, he must have fallen asleep as soon as they both calmed down. Taehyun felt him breathing deep, heart at peace and eyes shut tight. His arms were still wrapped around Taehyun, and the hands felt warm and comforting against his skin. But Taehyun couldn’t sleep. 

The sight of Yeonjun haunted his mind. Yeonjun haunted him. Taehyun could hear the childish laughter, could see him smiling, the dead eyes, the purple blood stains on the white clothes. 

The letter Yeonjun wrote before his death, haunting him from inside his jacket. 

In the wee hours of the night, Taehyun slipped out of bed, out of Hueningkai’s hold. He snuck around the quiet apartment, he looked at the letter. The corners of it were just the tiniest bit of crinkled, bent in different directions. 

Taehyun took the letter and sat down by the biggest window in his apartment. He could see that the clouds were clearing in the distance. Dawn was nearing, the sky was still dark, but he could imagine the sun peeking out.

His fingers shook while he tried to open it, careful not to rip the paper too much. He pulled out the letter, one piece of paper. Messy writing on both sides of it. Taehyun tried to find the beginning, only glancing at a few words here and there. At last his eyes moved to the top. 

_Kang Taehyun._

_Ah how should I begin this?_

_An apology, is that appropriate? Or should I begin with defending myself? It’s too difficult to decide. Perhaps I need to start from the beginning._

_I truly don’t know when I fell in love. I have always loved you, and will never stop doing so, but I guess it changed somewhere along the way. It’s hard not to, you are wonderful. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, or at all, I have been in denial for too long. Tried to fight it._

_Fear took over, it always has, too scared of love, too scared to tell you how I felt, too scared to hear the rejection._

_You asked me when I was a teenager, if I would ever fall in love. And I did, I thought I overcame my fears. I didn’t. They were subdued at best, which is, perhaps, a bit tragic now. I couldn’t overcome my fear of falling in love, I’m sorry I let it consume me. I’m sorry it killed me._

_I asked you years ago if you would ever love someone so much you would die without them. You told me you would, that love was inevitable, that love always followed everyone. It did, I’m lucky I had someone like you loving me, I’m thankful you have someone loving you like Hueningkai._

_Even if it killed me. I’m happy you found someone to love so much you would die without them, someone who loves you so much they would die without you, I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in his. Don’t worry friend, I know you are cursing at yourself, blaming yourself and no one else. Fool,_

Taehyun let out a laugh lined with sorrow, a choked back sob. 

_I won’t be able to rest peacefully if you aren’t happy. So be that, for me. If you can._

_My death was inevitable. Ah such an irony. A prank played by the universe. I believe it might have been my fate, to end up like I did. I know you are thinking I’m ridiculous. But let me, alright? I was; am, ridiculous._

_Love isn’t as scary as I thought it was, it really wasn't when I got the chance of loving you_ _. Not when I know what it feels like to cough up these cursed petals, not when I feel my end coming so soon. Compared to that, love is quite peaceful, beautiful, wonderful. Yes it all._

_At last, Taehyun, my dear friend,_

Taehyun dried off his face, cheeks wet from tears. 

_I have to apologize, you don’t have to accept it. But it’s my obligation to do so._

_I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, I’m sorry for never reaching out, I’m so sorry I suffered in loneliness. I know you hate me for doing so._

_I’m sorry I always forced you to promise to stay with me against the world, just the two of us together. Throughout all the years, I would ask if you would stay by my side, and you always promised me you would. You always linked our pinkies together, and you promised me that._

_Always and Forever._

_I’m sorry I was the one who broke the promise, I couldn’t stay with you throughout your entire life. I truly wish I could have. But it wasn’t meant to be._

_Lastly; I wanna thank you, friend, for keeping your promise to the end of my life. For always being my always and forever. It’s my time to hold my pinky out, promise you;_

_I may not be there physically, but there will never be a moment I’m not with you._

_Always and forever._

_Yours,_

_Yeonjun._

Taehyun let out a wail, mouth wide open and tears thick and heavy. He held out a pinky in the air, waiting for someone to link with it. Waiting for Yeonjun’s slightly bigger one, and that one only. 

Someone came stumbling out of the bedroom, upper body bare, eyes barely open, searching for Taehyun. Taehyun looked in his direction. 

“Hueningie. I miss him so mu-hu-huch.” It was weak, a sob. Taehyun curled up on the floor, felt like passing out, felt like dying. 

The other hugged him, held the frail body against him. 

“I know you do. It’s okay to miss him.” He tried to comfort him, not knowing what to say. 

There honestly wasn’t much to do. All Hueningkai could do was sit with him on the floor. Wrap his arms around him, be one of the very few pieces of stability Taehyun had left. 

Taehyun grabbed a hold of whatever he could, pressed his face against Hueningkai’s chest. Sniffed, cried, whatever. 

It was a long while until he quieted down, until he could face Huneingkai properly. The two sat in front of the window and watched the sun waking up, riding the horizon at dawn. There wasn’t anything to say, but the silence was okay. There wasn’t a _need_ for anything else. 

“Thank you.” Taehyun whispered. 

“For what?” Hueningkai asked, laughed lightly. 

“For loving me.” 

"I do." the other breathed out. 

"I love you too. So much I think I'll die without you" Taehyun said, afraid to lose another one. Hueningkai looked at him, couldn't even process what to say. 

His heart still ached, missing the presence of his best friend. He would always feel guilty for not realizing the other’s feelings sooner, even if Yeonjun said not to. He would always wish there was something he could have done, but he knew deep down that there wasn’t. 

If it was even an ounce of something, he was eternally grateful for having the luxury of meeting him in the first place. For getting the chance to love him. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

The weather was painfully cold. Ground in a layer of frost. The trees bare. Taehyun wasn’t a fan of it, but what could one do? 

He stared at the dark marble headstone, polished and mighty. He came here as often as he could. Sometimes it was day after day, sometimes he couldn’t bring himself to do so at all. It was painful, having to speak to the headstone instead of to the real thing. 

Today Taehyun joked about how his mother had forced him to be the magician at his niece's birthday the week prior. How big their eyes got when he did even the simplest of tricks. It was endearing he said, how impressed they were. Taehyun _had_ to admit that he liked it. 

He told Yeonjun all about the job Hueningkai had gotten at a preschool in their neighborhood. How happy the kids were when Taehyun once visited him with coffee one morning. 

_“Is it teacher's friend?”_ They had asked. 

_“No, it’s my fiancé”_ Hueningkai had answered, and they all gaped in excitement. As polite as they could, they asked all about Hueningkai and him. 

“Oh, I forgot to mention. Hueningie and I are engaged. We probably won’t do much of a thing out of it. But it’s nice.” Taehyun smiled down on the simple golden ring around his finger. He glanced back at Hueningkai, who stood in the parking lot, the tall boy waved at him. Smile big even from so far away. 

“I promise I’ll tell you all about it as soon as we decide on a date.” He said. 

At last he bent down, dragged his fingers over to the cold stone. Looked at the different engravings, how nicely Yeonjun’s name was written. 

Taehyun missed him, he really did. 

“I’ll see you another time, alright? Love you.” Taehyun whispered, careful to only let Yeonjun hear. Before standing up and walking towards Hueningkai. 

It had been a long time since he passed away, but there wasn’t a getting used to him being gone. The years that had already gone by would never heal the ache of his missing presence. Neither would the ones in the future. 

Taehyun could only comfort himself knowing that Yeonjun was always with him, in one way or another. Yeonjun had promised that. 

Always and forever. 

•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote the first 400 words or so like 4 months ago? idk. for the last 4 days ive been fixating on finishing this, and I did!! actually kinda happy with the result, and i hope you did too <3
> 
> this was mostly inspired by the eternally mv, more specifically that one scene when Taehyun sees Yeonjun in the distance, and is shouting and shit at him. and then when he walks up to Yeonjun and sees the flower crown and the purple blood ish thing and its heartbreaking you know?
> 
> hope you liked reading this, thank you! 
> 
> kudos and comments always appreciated!!
> 
> stay safe <3
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hopeonmydick)


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